You been hearing about Myspace for years, so I ain’t gonna waste a motherfucking minute of my valuable time tellin you what the fuck it is, but let me tell you niggas (and white motherfuckers) what you could use this shit for. We gonna cover some simple shit you could do with myspace to get your name out there, get your dick wet, or land your mark ass in the motherfucking penal.

Promotion

You could use myspace for promotion of your band, your music, your comedy, or even your stank ass. If you got something you want some other random ass niggas to cop, then you gotta get a myspace. Let’s say you a white breezie on the chase for some of them top of the food chain niggas - well all you gotta do is set up your own motherfucking account, load up your shit chock full of them skanky ass pictures you been keepin from your parents, and post them blogs so full of shitty lyrics that you could see Aaron Carter leaking right out your motherfucking computer screen.

After you got your shit geared up fly as a motherfucker, you gotta get them friends. The more friends you got, the more exposure you gonna get. Here’s how the fuck you pull that shit off in three easy steps:

1. Log the fuck into Myspace
2. Click browse
3. Send a friend request to every white motherfucker, sleepyheaded motherfucker, nigga, and breezie in a 500 mile radius. Skip them indian motherfuckers, because every indian motherfucker in that myspace can’t speak english, and if they can, they gonna try some bullshit and be tellin you they name is Todd. We know your name aint Todd, nigga. Its some shit we could spell out by sitting on our keyboard with a busted ass jack in our back pocket. Stop trying to get with us niggas and stick to your own cloak of many colors bullshit ass culture. I mean, enough with them indian motherfuckers nigga!

Meeting People

Now that you rolling deep on that myspace, some of yal niggas is gonna be asking, “When the fuck do I get me some of that white pussy?” You gotta relax with that shit for real. Ask me last year and its a different story, but ever since dateline been running weekly specials about them niggas rollin up on that underage ass - a nigga gotta be cautious about meeting them bitches online… and it don’t stop there. Some of them bitches gonna lure a nigga out and make that nigga break himself right outside the apartment in the motherfucking hallway. You think that shit is far-fetched, but check this shit out.

What’s a nigga to do? You either gotta come strapped like my nigga Bokeem Woodbine (Top of the friend food chain till the end, nah mean?) or you gotta do your motherfucking homework for once in your ignorant ass life. Find out about a bitch. Talk to a bitch. You gotta make sure this imaginary online hoe is a real life hoe and not just one of them motherfucking pastey ass white boy scout niggas trying to make coin off a nigga with a taste for white bitches. Also, you gotta make for certain that the bitch is 18 plus. You dont wanna find your ass wandering around a empty kitchen throwin down fresh baked cookies on national TV.

The Horrible Truth

Even if your shit blows up and you become a celebrity… or you find one of them insecure bitches and smash that shit to kingdom motherfucking come… you still helpin a white motherfucker get rich. Remember this when it comes to myspace, no matter how many pedophiles, or hit bands, or lonely fat white suburban cake eating bitches join this shit, that white nigga Tom is gonna be swimming in them Benjamins from all that ad revenue your shady ass pursuits raked the fuck in. Ask yourself this my niggas, is it worth it?

There’s a new name in that wireless phone game, and you gonna be surprised as a motherfucker when I tell you just who the fuck is throwin they cap into the ring… Disney Mobile. Repeat after me with that shit: Disney Mobile.

That’s right, Disney is the latest company that wants to be bringin you them monthly service statements for your motherfucking jack. Disney Mobile is carried in the United States by those niggas at Sprint Nextel - so now you know you gonna be able to chirp at Goofy and ask that nigga how come those crows in dumbo gotta be so niggarish.

These jacks feature GPS so you could tell that your kids is bullshitting you when they say they goin to Blockbuster to rent that new Queen Latifah Joint where she be makin eyes at LL Cool J. You were mad suspicious before, but now them Disney jacks gonna let a nigga know that his kids is either sucking some dick or burnin them rocks.

You could get Disney jack for $59.95 if you let em get at you for 2 years. To me, this shit is way to motherfucking expensive - $60 per month for 450 minutes and range as high as $250 per month for 4,500 minutes… and that’s for one line, and no data plan. How the fuck am I gonna pix message a nigga with that? I mean if you got kids it might be worth it, especially if you a white motherfucker and all of a sudden your daughter got Usher posters next to her bed.

Drop a eyelash and check out them details on that Disney site for they new jacks. They white motherfuckers, but whatever nigga. One yourselves.

The Prime Minister of Cambodia, Hun Sen, decided that none of yal cambodians are gonna be allowed to cop them 3G (third generation, you clueless ass white motherfucker) Jacks after his wife yapped in her niggas ear cause the bitch received videos and still snaps of them hoes gettin smashed raw.

Now you know that Southeast Asia ain’t got no motherfucking issue with no porno. They got gameshows where a Tiger can fuck a bitch on a parade float so her man could grip them cash prizes. They ain’t strangers to none of that material. This whole shit is a classic case of just trying to shut your motherfucking bitch up for a hot minute.

You trying to run a third world war torn country and now you gotta rise up and tell your people that they gotta lose them dreams of modern convenience. I mean, these motherfuckers is chompin at the bit to get indoor plumbing and a library that don’t explode every third tuesday, but it still gotta hurt to know you can’t send them texts and sneak upskirt snaps to you mens. Its gotta be tough to do, but when you got a complaining ass sleepyhead bitch laying that shit out on you, its worth it. Motherfucker, I’d come up against a gaggle of warlords to shut a chink bitch up for a day and a half.

Check that original article, then get your motherfucking ass back on this site and holla at a tech savvy nigga.

Im tellin you right now - if it got video playback, I’m gonna cop the motherfucker, but since day motherfucking one I been prayin for a better way to get at these clips.

Well look no motherfucking further: Ez Gear 4 U has a wearable video system that simulates a 50″ screen, is light as a motherfucker (68 grams), with mad battery life (8 hours), and now them old white bitches don’t gotta be offended and get you thrown off the train when you wanna throw on that Blacks on Blondes DVD. It costs roughly $400, which seems high, but let me explain why these niggas could charge $10,000 and make it worth while.

These portable video devices are the shit for real, but motherfuckers been getting bonespurs and neck cramps while trying to watch Scarface on the train. If you ask me, its a form of opression for all them niggas that just want to relax and watch they favorite movies without snapping they vertebrae like that nigga Superman. This whole thing relates to a time tested theory I thought up my damn self called: The LeVar Burton Theory.

STAGE 1: OPPRESSED

You heard me nigga. OPPRESSED, just like my nigga Kunta Kinta in ROOTS. All he wanted was to hold onto his identity, but the white motherfuckers made him suffer. Check my man LeVar Burton. He was mad oppressed with that shit. Now all a nigga wants is to chill a minute and watch them digital videos and not have to get into a Tai Chi crouch to make out the expression on my girl Jackee’s face when I got them 227 ripped episodes on my black iPod.

STAGE 2: RUNNING SHIT

When you running shit, you running shit. You no longer oppressed. LeVar Burton was oppressed early on, but rose up and now he’s running all that Star Trek space shit… but how do you get to that point? Allow me to point shit out:

You ask me, the difference is obvious. That nigga found out about these motherfucking DVD goggles before all of you motherfuckers.

So holla at them Ez Gear 4 U niggas, and cop your one chance at running shit.

Yeah, this is your boy Big Eddie Ed and I’m not doing the usual kind of update where I drop that technology knowledge like a ton of motherfucking bricks. I’m coming at you like a cannon with some motherfucking shit that is gonna keep you rolling right. All those cats on your block gonna be mad jealous when they see you with your new shit from…

THE NIGGAKNOW.COM CAFEPRESS JOINT

Just a few items for right now, but we gonna get our people ready to tag a few motherfucking shirts by hitting them overpasses with the paint. Stay geared into that shit, because we got more shit to throw at you then a juggler. Get your T-Shirts now and represent the only site thats bringing you that real technology. Show your love.

UPDATE June 7, 2006 9:57 PM:
We got a new design in the motherfucking store. It’s a cartoon nigga know logo that’s a great buy for you white motherfuckers because it doesn’t say nigga. That means you can roll out representing NIGGAKNOW without getting beat down or capped.

When he don’t have his hand on the throw switch on one of them electric chairs, the Governor of Texas has got his eye on that technology - for real. Apparently, this motherfucker has a plan to keep the public in charge of the borders using a toll-free hotline and thousands of high-defff web cams on the Mexican border. This plan is putting the burden of the sweep (Surveillance, my white motherfuckers. Surveillance!) on any motherfucker that wants to sit and wait for they landscaper’s cousin to make a mad dash for low-cash.

I ain’t gonna lie. This shit is gonna be fucking HILARIOUS. I mean, its almost like a version of COPS that my people can watch without gettin the urge to choke a white bitch. I gotta admit that I might be spending hours a day watching that shit, waiting for a motherfucker on a burro work out a way to get his children and chickens and shit into America… but who knows when the fuck this shit is gonna be live.

Theres no firm details on how many cameras, but this nigga is guessing that they gonna have thousands. If they gonna have a 6 camera shoot for them wrinkled up Sex and the City bitches, then they gonna have 6 thousand of the motherfuckers aimed at them refugee niggas. How ever this gotta work, it is what it is. I can’t hate a white motherfucker that’s gonna be bringing that REAL entertainment with some real technology, but if they opening up the sweep at them Korean groceries to the public, then Imma be a steamed ass nigga with my spot all blown up on the 3dub (WWW, motherfuckers), but until then… pull up a goddamn cot, grab a motherfucking snack, and camp out in front of your internets wearing your motherfucking draws like its Saturday morning cartoons.