Let’s say you’re visitin your girl at college and it’s in some high class booshie neighborhood. You want to get your ass back to the warmth of the hood but you’re miles away. Well no sweat; grab yourself a Nuvi from Garmin. This technology is beyond nigga-tech. This shit gets you out of the milky-white suburbs and into the chocolate love that is your hood. From your stoop to the swap meet, from you pussy on the side’s house to the L.A. Convention Center…this small square with a screen will guide you to the places you need to go.

Look up in the sky nigga, you see that huge mothafuckin’ satellite hangin up there in space? Of course not nicca it’s fuckin in space. Well that satellite is provided by the government for our use. HAHA Those crazy Capital Hill niggas gave us something for free, all we have to do is spend $800 dollars for the device to use it! Even that tall chinese nigga Yao Ming supports the Garmin Nuvi. Probably cause it has that bluetoof shit that allows you to talk to your bitch without having to touch your phone and shit. Go check it out and get back at me on the comments side.

I been reading alot of shit lately, and I came across this one motherfucker that was trying to be like “banning them jacks while driving gonna make the road safer”. Now, yal need to know that I am in total disagreement with this nigga and its for two reasons.

First off, who the fuck gonna tell this nigga to turn off my jack when I’m driving? I got important shit to deal with and I ain’t gonna be doing shit else but pushing this motherfucking whip for the next hour and a half. If i’m on the line with one my mens and we doing the great debate about which white tennis breezie we’d rather hit - you know that I’m likely to beat a nigga ass if he even think about interrupting me when I’m arguing about how Kournikova is a nasty ass bitch and that Sharipova got ass for days. I mean, I could throw on my nigga bluetooth, but for serious - sometimes these conversations come up quick like a motherfucker and I just want to pick up the jack, yell at a bitch, and be done with it.

Secondly, the roads aint unsafe because of them jacks. The only reason the roads could be rougher than the darkest depths of Clinny Hill is because of selfish entitled ass white motherfuckers. Any time a white motherfucker gets behind a wheel you got a 65% probability that someone gonna lose a limb. You see them all angry in the driver seat clutchin they grips and yelling at a Sunday driving nigga like they the hot shit with the doors locked tight and the windows rolled up. They got the pedal to the floor one second then they immediately push the brake through the motherfucking floorboards and yell because they got to get they snot nose soon to be an entitled ass white motherfucker son, Blake, to his motherfucking soccer game and they already 5 minutes late. Like that shit matters to anyone else.

These white people will risk any motherfuckers life out on the road to get to they jobs quicker. What the fuck else does a white motherfucker need with 43 extra seconds any damn how? I guess they all in a rush because they need extra time to peep them Seventh Heaven reruns and cop them scones at dunkin donuts… and if one of them motherfuckers gets in an accident with a cell phone, then they the first motherfuckers to say that no one should be allowed to ring a jack and push a whip at the same time - even though not one of my motherfucking people ever got in no accident while using no jack. If distracting a frantic ass self-important white motherfucker means laws gotta be made, lets illegalize soccer, starbucks, cosmetics, and what ever the fuck else these white people be putting on they face or down they throats while driving.

This whole proposal is ridiculous any damn way. Because a few motherfuckers can’t do something, then nobody can do it. When it comes right the fuck down to it, driving while talking on a jack is motherfucking simple. It’s like dancing, playing basketball, or jumping high, or playing the blues… white motherfuckers can’t do it well, and when they try - they fuck it all up for the rest of all you niggas.

Allow me to sum all this shit up with one of them graph shits that I throw at you from time to time:

Know that this shit represents the opinion of just one tech savvy ass nigga and you need to think for your damn self. Keep it light and real and holla back on the regular. one yourselves.

You been hearing about Myspace for years, so I ain’t gonna waste a motherfucking minute of my valuable time tellin you what the fuck it is, but let me tell you niggas (and white motherfuckers) what you could use this shit for. We gonna cover some simple shit you could do with myspace to get your name out there, get your dick wet, or land your mark ass in the motherfucking penal.

Promotion

You could use myspace for promotion of your band, your music, your comedy, or even your stank ass. If you got something you want some other random ass niggas to cop, then you gotta get a myspace. Let’s say you a white breezie on the chase for some of them top of the food chain niggas - well all you gotta do is set up your own motherfucking account, load up your shit chock full of them skanky ass pictures you been keepin from your parents, and post them blogs so full of shitty lyrics that you could see Aaron Carter leaking right out your motherfucking computer screen.

After you got your shit geared up fly as a motherfucker, you gotta get them friends. The more friends you got, the more exposure you gonna get. Here’s how the fuck you pull that shit off in three easy steps:

1. Log the fuck into Myspace
2. Click browse
3. Send a friend request to every white motherfucker, sleepyheaded motherfucker, nigga, and breezie in a 500 mile radius. Skip them indian motherfuckers, because every indian motherfucker in that myspace can’t speak english, and if they can, they gonna try some bullshit and be tellin you they name is Todd. We know your name aint Todd, nigga. Its some shit we could spell out by sitting on our keyboard with a busted ass jack in our back pocket. Stop trying to get with us niggas and stick to your own cloak of many colors bullshit ass culture. I mean, enough with them indian motherfuckers nigga!

Meeting People

Now that you rolling deep on that myspace, some of yal niggas is gonna be asking, “When the fuck do I get me some of that white pussy?” You gotta relax with that shit for real. Ask me last year and its a different story, but ever since dateline been running weekly specials about them niggas rollin up on that underage ass - a nigga gotta be cautious about meeting them bitches online… and it don’t stop there. Some of them bitches gonna lure a nigga out and make that nigga break himself right outside the apartment in the motherfucking hallway. You think that shit is far-fetched, but check this shit out.

What’s a nigga to do? You either gotta come strapped like my nigga Bokeem Woodbine (Top of the friend food chain till the end, nah mean?) or you gotta do your motherfucking homework for once in your ignorant ass life. Find out about a bitch. Talk to a bitch. You gotta make sure this imaginary online hoe is a real life hoe and not just one of them motherfucking pastey ass white boy scout niggas trying to make coin off a nigga with a taste for white bitches. Also, you gotta make for certain that the bitch is 18 plus. You dont wanna find your ass wandering around a empty kitchen throwin down fresh baked cookies on national TV.

The Horrible Truth

Even if your shit blows up and you become a celebrity… or you find one of them insecure bitches and smash that shit to kingdom motherfucking come… you still helpin a white motherfucker get rich. Remember this when it comes to myspace, no matter how many pedophiles, or hit bands, or lonely fat white suburban cake eating bitches join this shit, that white nigga Tom is gonna be swimming in them Benjamins from all that ad revenue your shady ass pursuits raked the fuck in. Ask yourself this my niggas, is it worth it?

There’s a new name in that wireless phone game, and you gonna be surprised as a motherfucker when I tell you just who the fuck is throwin they cap into the ring… Disney Mobile. Repeat after me with that shit: Disney Mobile.

That’s right, Disney is the latest company that wants to be bringin you them monthly service statements for your motherfucking jack. Disney Mobile is carried in the United States by those niggas at Sprint Nextel - so now you know you gonna be able to chirp at Goofy and ask that nigga how come those crows in dumbo gotta be so niggarish.

These jacks feature GPS so you could tell that your kids is bullshitting you when they say they goin to Blockbuster to rent that new Queen Latifah Joint where she be makin eyes at LL Cool J. You were mad suspicious before, but now them Disney jacks gonna let a nigga know that his kids is either sucking some dick or burnin them rocks.

You could get Disney jack for $59.95 if you let em get at you for 2 years. To me, this shit is way to motherfucking expensive - $60 per month for 450 minutes and range as high as $250 per month for 4,500 minutes… and that’s for one line, and no data plan. How the fuck am I gonna pix message a nigga with that? I mean if you got kids it might be worth it, especially if you a white motherfucker and all of a sudden your daughter got Usher posters next to her bed.

Drop a eyelash and check out them details on that Disney site for they new jacks. They white motherfuckers, but whatever nigga. One yourselves.

The Prime Minister of Cambodia, Hun Sen, decided that none of yal cambodians are gonna be allowed to cop them 3G (third generation, you clueless ass white motherfucker) Jacks after his wife yapped in her niggas ear cause the bitch received videos and still snaps of them hoes gettin smashed raw.

Now you know that Southeast Asia ain’t got no motherfucking issue with no porno. They got gameshows where a Tiger can fuck a bitch on a parade float so her man could grip them cash prizes. They ain’t strangers to none of that material. This whole shit is a classic case of just trying to shut your motherfucking bitch up for a hot minute.

You trying to run a third world war torn country and now you gotta rise up and tell your people that they gotta lose them dreams of modern convenience. I mean, these motherfuckers is chompin at the bit to get indoor plumbing and a library that don’t explode every third tuesday, but it still gotta hurt to know you can’t send them texts and sneak upskirt snaps to you mens. Its gotta be tough to do, but when you got a complaining ass sleepyhead bitch laying that shit out on you, its worth it. Motherfucker, I’d come up against a gaggle of warlords to shut a chink bitch up for a day and a half.

Check that original article, then get your motherfucking ass back on this site and holla at a tech savvy nigga.

Im tellin you right now - if it got video playback, I’m gonna cop the motherfucker, but since day motherfucking one I been prayin for a better way to get at these clips.

Well look no motherfucking further: Ez Gear 4 U has a wearable video system that simulates a 50″ screen, is light as a motherfucker (68 grams), with mad battery life (8 hours), and now them old white bitches don’t gotta be offended and get you thrown off the train when you wanna throw on that Blacks on Blondes DVD. It costs roughly $400, which seems high, but let me explain why these niggas could charge $10,000 and make it worth while.

These portable video devices are the shit for real, but motherfuckers been getting bonespurs and neck cramps while trying to watch Scarface on the train. If you ask me, its a form of opression for all them niggas that just want to relax and watch they favorite movies without snapping they vertebrae like that nigga Superman. This whole thing relates to a time tested theory I thought up my damn self called: The LeVar Burton Theory.

STAGE 1: OPPRESSED

You heard me nigga. OPPRESSED, just like my nigga Kunta Kinta in ROOTS. All he wanted was to hold onto his identity, but the white motherfuckers made him suffer. Check my man LeVar Burton. He was mad oppressed with that shit. Now all a nigga wants is to chill a minute and watch them digital videos and not have to get into a Tai Chi crouch to make out the expression on my girl Jackee’s face when I got them 227 ripped episodes on my black iPod.

STAGE 2: RUNNING SHIT

When you running shit, you running shit. You no longer oppressed. LeVar Burton was oppressed early on, but rose up and now he’s running all that Star Trek space shit… but how do you get to that point? Allow me to point shit out:

You ask me, the difference is obvious. That nigga found out about these motherfucking DVD goggles before all of you motherfuckers.

So holla at them Ez Gear 4 U niggas, and cop your one chance at running shit.

When he don’t have his hand on the throw switch on one of them electric chairs, the Governor of Texas has got his eye on that technology - for real. Apparently, this motherfucker has a plan to keep the public in charge of the borders using a toll-free hotline and thousands of high-defff web cams on the Mexican border. This plan is putting the burden of the sweep (Surveillance, my white motherfuckers. Surveillance!) on any motherfucker that wants to sit and wait for they landscaper’s cousin to make a mad dash for low-cash.

I ain’t gonna lie. This shit is gonna be fucking HILARIOUS. I mean, its almost like a version of COPS that my people can watch without gettin the urge to choke a white bitch. I gotta admit that I might be spending hours a day watching that shit, waiting for a motherfucker on a burro work out a way to get his children and chickens and shit into America… but who knows when the fuck this shit is gonna be live.

Theres no firm details on how many cameras, but this nigga is guessing that they gonna have thousands. If they gonna have a 6 camera shoot for them wrinkled up Sex and the City bitches, then they gonna have 6 thousand of the motherfuckers aimed at them refugee niggas. How ever this gotta work, it is what it is. I can’t hate a white motherfucker that’s gonna be bringing that REAL entertainment with some real technology, but if they opening up the sweep at them Korean groceries to the public, then Imma be a steamed ass nigga with my spot all blown up on the 3dub (WWW, motherfuckers), but until then… pull up a goddamn cot, grab a motherfucking snack, and camp out in front of your internets wearing your motherfucking draws like its Saturday morning cartoons.

Now that us niggas have lived through another E3, its time to recap on what we’ve seen. Naw fuck it I got a beef with the new PS2..sorry PS3 controller. Now this controller is some ol’ rehashed, watered down, last minute shit that needs to be addressed.

First, the mothafuckers at Sony switch up the boomerang controller and fall back on their old design…I mean WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL. I know it was some sort of mock up prototype and shit but they could have improved upon the silver banana and made it better looking. Second, not only did they remove the cord to make it wireless…THEY TOOK THE RUMBLE FEATURE AWAY YO! How in the hell am I supposed to know if the ground’s rumbeling or if I’m being hit without that huh? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LOOK AT THE SCREEN INSTEAD OF HAVING THE CONTROLER BLOW UP IN MY HAND?

Sony, I don’t mean to put you on blast cause I got nothin’ but love for a company that probably won’t hire me but this last point got me goin’ CRAZY like The Boys. At E3, the only software developer that knew about the new pitch/yaw feature that allows you to move the controller in the air like the Nintendo Wii WAS A SONY DEVELOPER. Check this shit out, even that crazy Japanese nigga Kojima who makes those Metal Gear Solid games didn’t even know about it. He has to go back and program all that shit in now. WHAT’S THE MOTHERFUCKER GONNA DO WITH THAT NEW TOOL? We could have known if Sony wasn’t trying to copy a nigga and be like Nintendo and innovated that shit they-self. What this means is all those games that you saw at E3 through those flashy videos are gonna be delayed because they want to add that feature in their games. It seems like they took a piece of gum and slapped it in the controller.

Niggas.

The $100 dollar laptop is gonna be a reality. Those cats at MIT been workin mad late nights to bring this project to life, and they almost there. All they gotta do now is offer “NO CREDIT CHECK” purchases and weekly payments (Shouts to my niggas at BLUE HIPPO).

The whole thing is headed up by a dude named Nicholas Negroponte, and I learned a valuable lesson from this nigga. Apparently, you can make some motherfucking loot by making guilty ass white people believe some wild motherfucking claims - if you back it up right.

See, if you gonna get successful with a whack ass business propisition, you gotta make sure you tellin niggas that its for charity. MIT has been talking about how they bringing laptops to every motherfucking child in Africa. They been acting all charitable saying that $100 dollars is gonna get one laptop to one child.

Well, the other day they had a presentation to show they prototypes off to the world, and the laptops had pictures of smiling African children on the screens. They had a slideshow depicting a need for computers in Africa, pamplets, brochures, pie-charts… and they still couldn’t resist inviting a few niggas in a dashikis with them hats Jim Brown wears on the sidelines.

White people be eating this shit up for days. You gonna be hard press to find a white motherfucker that is gonna hold they wallet closed at a display like this. This is the type of shit that gonna make them turn off a Family Ties marathon and pay attention. White people see a dashiki and they gotta spend money. That’s why the fuck Stevie Wonder been sellin all them records despite putting out zero quality tracks after 1975. Support the $100 dollar laptop, and you supporting duped ass white motherfuckers across the globe.

The biggest part of this scam is that they gonna let you pledge to buy the $100 dollar laptop for $300 - in the name of charity. This shit is a white on white scam! White people scammin other white peoples money. Un-motherfucking-precedented.

As if those niggas in Japan needed another excuse for not looking people in the eye, Sony-Ericcson got a new way for those sleepyheads to avoid showing emotion to motherfuckers as they walk the street. That’s right, Sony-Ericcson’s new walkman phone gonna be released in Japan.

What better place to release a JACK than the land of the rising ass sun. These motherfuckers can take they new phone and MOSHI MOSHI and TWEET TWEET or whatever the fuck as much as they damn well feel. When they ain’t BLOOP BLEEPING and SINGY SAYONARAING, them sleepyheads can take full advantage of a few other non-jack related features.

If has all that shit that we come to expect from a jack now-a-motherfucking-days. Camera with 1.3 Megapixels, LCD screen.. but this shit is a walkman. You get a FM radio and a MP3 Player with 1 GB of memory inside the motherfucker. You can also get 4 more GB with a memory card, so don’t hate on this motherfucker if you can’t fit your collection of CRUNK HITS (shouts to my niggas workin that Target CD section).

Sony-Ericcson is set to drop a $180 price tag on it which aint shit anyhow, but thats in Japanese money. After the conversion rate, its gonna cost whatever the fuck its gonna cost - but when it comes here we gonna have it regardless, nigga and you need to know that. If its popular with them sleepyheaded motherfuckers its gonna be released here and all those chirpin niggas are gonna be shouting “MOSHI MOSHI MOTHERFUCKER” then hangin up and evading the white corporations with they own personal soundtracks. Keep you eyes peeled for this shit, unless you a motherfucking sleepyhead from Japan, you ain’t gonna see this for a minute.