I know you motherfuckers can feel me on this one: so I gots some classic Kobe Tai getting some motherfucking rock dick in some Crouching Tiger position, shown in motherfucking HD up on my flat screen. But I’m not feeling that Yanni soundtrack they got in the back and I’m feeling some motherfucking B.I.G. instead. So I turn down the volume on that DVD I got playing and play that classic Dead Wrong fire, nah mean, cuz that beat up on that shit more in line with Kobe Tai getting motherfucking devastated than some homo-ass, poetry reading, Seattle frappuccino shop Kenny G. music. Then I gots the motherfucking microwave on tryna reheat some of that lo mein I copped up on Hillside Avenue in Jamaica Queens two days ago, nah mean. Then I got that fan running on full cuz it hot as a motherfucker, and my rent goddamn high enough without no air conditioning.


So I got this Asian bitch moaning like its motherfucking Nanjing 1937, I got some Biggie coming out that speaker like a earthquake, and I got some loud whirring coming out them appliances. So if you not a retarded motherfucker, you may say, damn all that shit must be LOUD NIGGA, or if you a white motherfucker trying to conversate while you on the line at Starbucks, you may axe, “How do you keep track of all those wonderful commodities, motherfucker?” Or better yet, how you gonna turn all that shit down when your grandmama call so you dont gotta explain why it sound like a bitch getting raped in ya house by a bunch of them motorcycle riding, leather wearing, homothug Laurence Fishburne niggas from Biker Boyz?

The answer simple, motherfucker. The SRU9600, ($150) dropping next month, is one of them universal remotes with mad motherfucking codes already programmed up into that shit, so you don’t need to program codes into this bitch and you can control all ya electronics without getting your fat monkey ass up out your chair. Now you may axe, I AINT NEVER HEARD ABOUT PROGRAMMING NO NERDY ASS MOTHERFUCKING CODES INTO A REMOTE CONTROL IN THE FIRST PLACE. But apparently those Shawn Bradley looking white niggas over at Sharper Image been had these types of things on the market for a while - all you had to do was cop one of these gay “learning” remotes and no matter what electronic shit you had up in ya house, you could make them do whatever complicated shit you wanted with one remote, by pointing ya shit at the machine or appliance and entering motherfucking codes, and that shit would control anything you fucking wanted, you dig. BUT MY NIGGA, you may interject, I DONT KNOW THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKING THING ABOUT CODING. Ay man, I know that, get off my dick. I know you aint no motherfucking 60 pound Asian kid named Tommy Cho.

Thats what this SRU9600 from Sharper Image is all about, nah mean. All you gotta do is select on this motherfucker’s nifty LSD screen what make and model of electronics you wants to be operating. Then this shit can control up to 8 devices at the same motherfucking time, you dig! Then you don’t needs to be using 8 remotes to be rewinding Kobe Tai so she be doing that handstand over and over; with one of these motherfucking nerd sticks you can put that shit on MUTE and you can be pausing that B.I.G. track and you can stop all that whirr.ing so your grandmama don’t think you no homo biker rapist, nah mean. And this shit only $150. That more than worth it if you can use this motherfucker when you walking through some white ass neighborhood in Manhattan and be switching channels through windows so little blonde kids suddenly be watching that Spice Channel instead of that Sponge Bob. Next thing you know these motherfuckers be controlling the universe, nah mean, and you point one of these things at a breezie in a summer dress and *CLICK CLACK* that summer dress gone.

Adam Sandler should get at this new technology. He should be using this shit instead of making these dumb fucking movies like this shit below:


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